Sunday, January 9, 2011

When I Almost Gave Birth At Tinseltown

...thanks to my husband, that is.

The day I'm talking about was almost exactly two years ago when I was 36 weeks pregnant with Grayson.

Joey and I decided to go see Marley and Me at a real movie theater! We were so excited, as we never go see movies. We always rent.


We even took a picture to celebrate Movie Day! (Look how pregnant and bloated I am!) Tissues in purse and ready to see the tear-jerker, off we went.

All was going swimmingly until about halfway through the movie. You see, Grayson was river-dancing on my bladder, and I had put off the need to go to the bathroom for far too long.

Well, we were seated near the very top of the theater. So, naturally, I didn't want to go down the theater stairs and take a tumble (because I was huge, waddling and the theater wasn't that well-lit.)


Joey: Just go out the side door right here. It's an exit to the downstairs lobby.

Me: Are you SURE? What if it isn't an exit to the lobby?

Joey: I'm pretty sure it will lead you there. If it doesn't, just bang on the door and I'll let you back in.

A bit hesitant, I went out the side door. Almost immediately, I knew it was the wrong choice.

I banged on the heavy door for Joey to let me back in the theater. No response. Of course, he couldn't hear me.

Even if I had taken my phone to call him, he wouldn't have heard it because our phones were on silent mode.

So. This is the only option I had - the only way out.

I opened ANOTHER heavy door and my eyes were met with sunlight.

I was standing at the top of the tall, rickety stairwell at the very back of the freaking movie theater. THIS very movie theater:


It's kind of huge.

Gripping the black rails, I waddled down the two stories of stairs, praying to God that I didn't wet my pants. How could this be happening to me?! JOEY!!!! I thought.

Can you imagine a huge, pregnant woman waddling around the back of an empty movie theater? I swear to the good Lord, I thought Ashton Kutcher was going to pop out with his camera men - trucker hat and all. I had to be getting punked.

Finally, my tennis shoes hit the pavement, and I began my walk back to the front entrance. A walk that was no less than a quarter of a mile.

At the front, I had to practically flash the guy behind the ticket booth to believe I had already paid and convince him that he should just let me go inside.

By now, my bladder is about to burst, and I've missed a good portion of the movie. I was sweating, Grayson was kicking me (probably wondering what all the commotion was) and I was truly questioning whether my Braxton Hicks contractions might turn into something a bit more...real.

About 20 minutes later, I finally made it back to my seat. Steam was coming out of my ears.

Joey: What took you so long? I was about to come looking for you.

Me: It was THE WRONG DOOR!

Thought For the Day: When 36 weeks pregnant, don't ever take a chance on anything. No matter how much your husband thinks he knows.

1 comment:

robin.munger said...

Awesome. Absolutely Awesome.